Squidward Ill Never Be Clean Again

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidward's Sick Daze" from season 13, which aired on April 16, 2021.

• [The episode begins with a shot of the exterior of the Krusty Krab on a rainy day (which is actually Squidward's nightmare). A drop of rain falls through a visible hole on the roof, and falls on Dream Squidward's head.]
• Dream Squidward: Hey!
• [The camera zooms out to show a bunch of dream angry customers.]
• Dream Customer #1: What's taking so long?
• Dream Customer #2: I never got my fries!
• Dream Fred: [popping out from the ceiling] Why doesn't my father love me?
• Dream Customer #3: Come on! Why are you so slow?
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward] Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Squidward: Quit it.
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Squidward: Quit it.
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his foot on Dream Squidward] Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Squidward: Quit it!
• Dream Mr. Krabs: [toilet flushes] Mr. Squidward, clean up in the head.
• Dream Squidward: [groaning]
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Mr. Krabs: [spills soda] Also, clean up here.
• Dream Squidward: [whimpering]
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Mr. Krabs: I said clean up!
• Dream Customers: Squidward! Squidward!
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward. [loads of rain water fall on Dream Squidward.] [off-screen] [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward repeatedly] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. [on-screen] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Customers: Squidward!
• Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward repeatedly] [off-screen] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward, Hey, Squidward.
• Dream Squidward: [his head falls onto the floor] Oh, no.
• Dream Mr. Krabs: Don't just lay there. Clean up! Clean up! Clean up!
• [Dream Squidward is on the floor and screams in fear]
• Squidward: [screaming as he wakes up from his dream] It was just a dream. Just a horrible, realistic, totally on point dream. Oh, I can't believe I'm dreaming about work when there's so many more interesting things I could be doing. Just look at my unfinished painting. And my unfinished symphony. [music note falls of paper] And my uneaten strudel.
• Patrick: [eats strudel]
• Squidward: My strudel!
• Patrick: Just tasted like pie to me.
• Squidward: It's a strudel, you barbarian. Just look at those pastry layers.
• Patrick: [eats pastry layers] Oh, yeah.
• Squidward: Ohh... I just woke up and the day is already a disaster. I can't face the Krusty Krab today. I am staying home and diving into an ocean of Squidward.
• Squidward: [has a dream sequence of a waterfall, where he dives, paints a masterpiece of himself, plays some clarinet notes, eats one of the Bon Bons, which slips off his tentacle hand and makes him shrug, and relaxes with the water pouring on him; when he wakes up, he finds Patrick drooling on him]
• Patrick: Anymore of that layer pie?
• Squidward: Get out! [Patrick falls] Now, to get rid of the other monkey on my back. [monkey screeching background sound effect] [fakes coughing and calls Mr. Krabs]
• Mr. Krabs: [answers phone] Krusty Krab?
• Squidward: [fakes coughing and pretends to be sick] Oh, Mr. Krabs, it's... [fakes coughing again] Squidward.
• Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, what are you doing on the phone? You should be working.
• Squidward: [fakes coughing] I can't work. Too... [fakes coughing again] sick. [fakes sneezing, spreading the germs to Mr. Krabs over the phone]
• Mr. Krabs: You do sound pretty bad. You sure you're too sick to work?
• Squidward: [giggling] I mean, I mean... [fakes coughing] positive.
• Mr. Krabs: Hmmm. [grunts and sneaks his eye through the phone to peek on what Squidward is doing] Mmm too sick, eh? Ohhh, I've got the cure for what ails ya. Well, you just rest up, Mr. Squidward. I'll take care of everything.
• Squidward: Okay, bye, talk to ya-- I mean, I mean, uh... [fakes coughing and spits out the phlegm to one of Mr. Krabs' eyes] Bye! [hangs up phone]
• Mr. Krabs: [hangs up phone] No one fakes sick on Mr. Krabs and gets away with it. [removes Squidward's phlegm from his eye] Ugh.
• Squidward: [singing and dancing] ♪ No work for me today / Mr. Squidward gets to play / No customers for me to fear / SpongeBob can take a long walk off a very short pier ♪
• Squidward: Oh that must be the crudité I ordered. [Squidward opens the door]
• Squidward: Well I..whoa! [Squidward sees Mr. Krabs at his doorstep then he closes the door and opens it and comes out wearing a blanket and a icepack]
• Squidward: Oh Mr. Krabs. I didn't see you there. How thoughtful of you to visit me in my [fake cough] weekend stay.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh think nothing of it Mr. Squidward. You sounded so bad on the phone I rushed right over to make sure you were taking good care of yourself.
• Squidward: Well I wouldn't want to infect anyone so you should probably go now.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh you are in no condition to be alone. That's why I brought you some help. [Mr. Krabs pulls out SpongeBob from behind his back wearing a doctors outfit.]
• Mr. Krabs: Take one of these and call me in the morning.
• SpongeBob: The doctor is in!
• Squidward: Uh.. [SpongeBob wraps Squidward up in a blanket and holds him like a baby.]
• SpongeBob: Squabble squabble squabble. [Squidward tries to break free from SpongeBob.]
• SpongeBob: Hush a bye now. Don't strain yourself. [SpongeBob kisses Squidward's eyes making Squidward angry as he pulls SpongeBob's lips making him fling.]
• Squidward: Humph! [Squidward hops over to Mr. Krabs.]
• Squidward: Really Mr. Krabs? This isn't necessary.
• Mr. Krabs: Of course it is. And if I find out you were faking it just to get out of work I'll have to fire ya!
• Squidward: Oh no faking here. No I'm really [fake wheezes] sick. [Squidward dashes away to SpongeBob.]
• Squidward: Okay back to the squabbling.
• [SpongeBob laughs kisses Squidward puts his icepack on his head and he carries Squidward into his own house and Mr. Krabs walks off laughing.]
• SpongeBob: So, the book told me to stretch his nose, shock him with jellyfish, and then I scraped his lungs and then cleaned them out with a toxic sea urchin. [Mr. Krabs laughs diabolically]
• Mr. Krabs: Priceless. [Squidward walks in the Krusty Krab tired] Well, Mr. Squidward, feeling better after your sick day?
• Squidward: You might say that. [takes off blanket and becomes handsome] [Mr. Krabs gasps]
• Mr. Krabs: He's glorious.
• Squidward: That's right! I used to be sick at everything, but I'm not sick anymore. I've been plagued by toxins and stress, built up over the years at this job. But SpongeBob washed those away. [Mr. Krabs gasps and falls] Now, who wants to order? [laughs]
• Patrick: More layer pie.
• Squidward: I think I'm going to be sick.

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Source: https://spongebob.fandom.com/wiki/Squidward%27s_Sick_Daze/transcript

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